0825: Body clock wakes me up, in some strange premonition of actual alarm clock. Failing to hear anything, I sink back into my REM cycle.

0830: Actual alarm clock rings. I hit the snooze button in a reflex action that has been cultivated over the years, indeed, it has almost become a primitive instinct embedded in the deepest recesses of the brain. And doze back off...

1000: Wakes up with a start, somehow having recalled the alarm ringing a while ago. Could it have been more than an hour ago? Only seemed like 5 minutes in dreamland. The sun has risen and my morning is RUINED. Darn.

1000-1100: Has a nice long breakfast while poring over the papers, looking out for interesting (read: guailan) articles that might somehow be referenced in the mrbrown show. Giggles to self thinking of the ridiculousness (ridicule?) of it all. Might as well waste the rest of the morning away, there was hardly any of it to begin with.

1100: Washes up, in a vain attempt to get self going.

1200: Drags feet around (metaphorically only) in anticipation of lunch, in strange echo of pre- and post-lunch drop in productivity of working world.

1300: Post-lunch break. Blood rushes from brain to stomach. Must take time to digest.

1400: Begins proper work! Wades through various scattered stacks of files and books and assorted, yes, assorted papers to get to work station. Fiddles with stationery, deciding which pen is the best to use. Fast-writing pen? Neat pen? Rough work pen? Hm. Finally decides, then almost immediately requires the use of correction tape. Discovers loss of correction tape after frantic pawing in pencil case and in assorted files and papers. Ends up moaning, saved by brother with actual correction tape. Conveniently SPOILS actual correction tape. TO HECK WITH CORRECTION TAPE! uses rough paper and pencil.

1600: falls asleep on work. waking up half an hour later...

1630: Decides to destress. This means computer, and music, and books! Is overly successful in getting distracted, and before one know it...

1800: Dinner. Reads notes during dinner in vain attempt to make up for loss of productivity. Manages to get oil and funny splotches resembling chemicals on Chemistry notes in process. Laughs at the appropriateness of it all. Is drawn to consuming the actual carbohydrates, proteins and lipids rather than merely reading about them (after all, practical is more important right).

1900: Gives self deserved post-dinner break before wading back into aforementioned Paper Swamp. Moans loudly about studying, and is quickly shut up by j2 brother mugging for As. Shuts up and does actual work, pausing only once every 0.2 minutes to ask brother for help.

2100: COFFEE BREAK! caffeine boost to last through the night.

mugging has been SLOW... maybe i need to reflux at high temperature, or add a dehydrating agent like H2S04 to drive the forward reaction and increase the yield. ok now i sound like a true chem nerd bah. anyways, if j8 is teens zone, then the new bishan library is CHAOMUGGER zone. beware all ye non-muggers. it should have a biohazard sign - toxic, like benzene.

speaking of which, poetry is to mugging hard as blogging is to depression, for me at least. however poetry produced in this state is indescribably awful and invariably contains really bad allusions, metaphors, and imagery relating to whatever i'm mugging. maybe i'll publish it one day for the amusement of people who suffer when they mug. (: and if it becomes one of the set texts for lit under the new singaporean lit requirement, irony of ironies man...
which btw is a halogen carrier in chem terms: FeX3 (see chem skrued up my brain.)

book of the moment! "a history of amnesia" by alfian sa'at. his poetry roxorz. my mum complimented him in a manner that managed to insult his entire race... i don't know how she does it, it's so bad that it's fantastic. LOL.

for man shall not live by bread alone--
and my sustenance is james 1:2-8, and colossians 3:23-24, which God gave me through joash (:

and i like this photo (: haha see who you can spot! and how people change... or not.

things that are pissing me off:
1. diaryland
2. promos, and school in general
3. not being able to go for training
4. my mum
5. pwpwpw
6. my face ><
7. the general screwedup state of my academics (and may i add, my life)

just discovered george clinton and the funkadelics. here's a sample:

maggot brain
spoken}
Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time
For y'all have knocked her up.
I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe
I was not offended
For I knew I had to rise above it all
Or drown in my own shit.

Come on Maggot Brain
Go on Maggot Brain

psychedelic funk <3

rjc IS a damn stressful place! we have flu pandemics and also waves of depression which hit particularly hard around this time, when PW and SPA and promos converge...

cuz we all bleed the same way as you do
and we all have the same things to go through...

hold on, if you feel like letting go
hold on, it gets better than you know

i certainly hope so.

a million things on my mind, and yet one central thought surfaces -- i'm so screwed. so so so screwed. i might think i've got it all figured out, but something feels wrong. safracomp pwpwpw nusbio promosAAH pwpwpwpwop nusbio then relax? relax? relax?

relax week is NOT working for me...

and beneath it all, a yearning to escape the present, to reach into the future, to make our dreams come true NOW, right here and now...

if i could analyse my own writing, i would describe it as a modern piece making use of the stream-of- consciousness technique, with abrupt sentences that reflect the fragmented state of mind. its themes would be dehumanization and a pervading sense of alienation and isolation from humanity. it's seriously scary how my life seems to reflect modernity.

when i got tested with the real MBTI, my personality type was ENFP. not too far off. yihui insisted (and i agree with her) that i was really an I instead of an E. it was a very borderline E anyway. haha i'd really much rather believe that i'm INFP because i wanna be a psychologist, with writing/journalism as a fallback career perhaps. and i do believe that most of the triploid beings are INFPs too! :) writers, psychologists, artists...

by, the way i am not stressed. really. why don't you believe me? i am REALLY not stressed! reallyREALLY! rAWrRrR!

... haha kidding. it's just shocking that two people have told me within one day that i look stressed. and have been for the past few weeks. or week. i know i know it's been lit week, and the general panic of not being good enough for competition. sigh hopefully i'm happier now that it's mostly over and happier stuff are coming my way! i tell myself, this too shall pass, this too shall pass...

njc comp was great. uploading the pics now. although i didn't shoot that great, got a sucky 261 on 122cmface and 162 on 80cmface, if i remember correctly to finish 22 out of 38 in S.O.F. (and there were ties! >.<) although i'm immensely proud of my teammates, mann shing (who could've been 2nd! but was 5th) and lynette (teammates + friends 4eva (:) who are great archers but even better mates! we got 2nd in team event, losing by only 1 point in the gold medal match to the tp gals. who were really nice and worthy opponents whom we didn't mind losing to anyway. (and i think it's probably my fault that i screwed up but forget it.) yeah we fought hard and got really close! but i promise you we'll be better the next time. just wait for it... we're gonna come back and pwn!

i asked God to pour out all His glory but i didn't exactly mean it that way! the heavens opened up and we got showers of blessing. (: and torrents and hail. haha. so far it has rained heavily at 100% of my competitions. i don't want to commit the fallacy of post hoc ergo propter hoc but does someone sense something fishy going on here!!!

anyway my mornings have suddenly become a lot more interesting and less sleepy because i have 1) SV on tues and thurs, 2) archery table! in main and 3) bball sessions with cynthia -- it's some how more fun when it's wet and when we get dirty, don't ask why haha. seriously it's the small things that make me happy, like chance meetings and the happy coincidence of you me and a basketball :)

if only life could be lived like captain jack. doing whatever you want on impulse, going wherever your whim takes you -- to fun! adventure! and stolen pirate gold, also dressing up crazily and acting fey, just because. that, by the way, is why everyone is in love with captain jack. oh, and johnny depp too.

anyone who lives for grades is dumb. grades are meaningless like money, who cares if you're the richest or smartest in the world? it's not gonna make you happy or give you a good life. it's what you do with it that counts. and i feel like i haven't really been living a good life... but that kinda depends on what your measure of a good life is. based on my own standards, it's pretty screwedup.

by the way, although i subscribe to moral absolutism, most of life is relative, really, and most of it (like it or not) is relative to me. and on the topic of relativity, i'm in the 76th percentile (what does that mean, asks my class who is mathematically challenged), which is superb for most people but probably not good enough for my mum or certain other muggers individuals who strive for academic excellence perfection. it's quite meaningless to me, an interesting stat perhaps. (haha for 3Ners, interesting stats is an oxymoron. pls do lit if you don't know what that means.)

i remember i used to be a perfectionist when i was younger. i would erase my chinese xi2 zhi4 and rewrite it till it was perfect and looked like a photocopy of the print. maybe that's why i did so well then. i seem to have developed a heck care attitude in recent years months, will have to destroy that completely. i want to revert to perfectionism! not to that insane degree of course.

by the way, lit week is killing me. it is my fault, but then again, it isn't. THE HORROR

re tagboard: hi hamsie dylan qq grace kangrui and aud! who's "me" and "hi"? i know me isn't me, DUH. oh and yes aud, i wrote that, it's not even poetry, just random angsting.

let's talk about today. today i was being an emo kid. i realized that i am actually very emotionally needy and i need lots and lots of fun laughter peace n joy from my friends to keep me happy and sane, and i can probably never be a hermit or nun or similar despite past ambitions. i mean lock me up in a room for like 4 hours and i'll probably go nuts already, screaming LET ME OUT LET ME OUT and banging on the door or start building a radio just to communicate with the outside world or some nonsense. the funny thing is that despite this i don't really have that many friends or a very big social circle even. and according to my mum i have very low EQ. haha of course i totally owned her for saying that initially but it's true after a bit of thought, yeah. sigh

so i sat in the front corner in chem lect, angsting. just trapped in my head with all the thoughts and emotions swirling on a slow boil. if i was in a comic , you could probably see this dark raincloud above my head. (the weirdest thing was, i was mentally slapping myself for feeling this way, because i knew i had the right to be happy and there wasn't any reason why i should have been sad at all.) oh so on top of my imaginary angst, i felt kind of schizo with some angel nat and demon nat quarrelling on either side of my head.

even emotionally illerate people can read me like a book, i think i'm too drama even with imaginary angst. abby asked me if i was ok and i pretended to be (i hate it when people don't care but i hate it worse if they know) but i really wasn't of course. i had gotten myself emotionally screwed up for no reason whatsoever. it's not even that time of the month. anyway i love abby for caring! she's such an angel. :)

ok enough of this emo stuff. i just had an ice cold drink and a nice long bath and sang songs to the Lord and now i feel... emotionally sober, yay. it's amazing how simple things can cause such a great change.

CTs are long over. lit's not back yet, the teachers are probably too traumatized by the sacrilege we have committed upon their beloved texts to continue -- "the horror! the horror!" but i expect nothing more than an E for that, and i hope i do cuz then i'll be A BABE. :)

i just realized, today marks the end of the 3rd week.
like summer break is gone

[insert obscenity]
and time keeps spinning on

candlelight peeks through black slits
that divide the wall into shafts of
light/darkness - black white blackwhite

of desires that arise out of strange and unknown places: this selfish bundle of ambitions

she just wants to live; to live life to its fullest-
to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life...
to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when she came to die, discover that she had not lived.

of love lost, of hurts buried and resurfaced, of yearning, yearning for the indescribable... the inexplicable.

sunday was the asc/psac archery competition! photos here. i thought i prepared sufficiently: bow + all equipment, check, towel, check, plasters and ointment, check, food, check, money, check, camera, check. what else? well, only extra clothes and underwear and raincoat etc. in case of rain. dark clouds were looming in the distance and i was like BLOW WIND BLOW but my desperate cries and prayers didn't work.

it rained.
boy did it rain
thunder lightning wind and rain
we'll fight in the sun we'll fight in the rain
we'll fight to give our school a name

it was really fun at first. huddling together under umbrellas... cosy. umbrella fights, daryl collecting water and whatnot :D then we started to get worried - like, you mean, we really have to shoot? like that? HURH.

and we did. squelching through the mud from end to end to shoot and retrieve our arrows. in some places there was no grass and it was just a pure mudpool. pig paradise man.

i don't wanna blame the conditions or anything.. but my shooting was quite bad. 203 for 122 face and 170 for 80 face. but at least i didn't miss the board completely. and i fixed my nasty elbow problem, so now i won't have any more chio bruises to show off. now i have to fix my release, been gripping the string wrongly all the while so now there's a hole in my right index finger. like literally.

it was fun though :) was shooting the same board as zhiyu, njc archer who was really quite nice and friendly and went on to win individual 1st for ladies. not surprising given her imba shots: X 10 9 for almost every end, and total of 274 thereabouts for 122 face. got me a bit demoralized at times. but then i'd imagine that the arrow in the X was mine, and visualize myself shooting there too. it worked... um sometimes. haha :)

njc sent their j2s for the tertiary cat. and they've gone for countless competitions so they've got tons of experience. zhiyu gave me a valuable tip: never wear socks to any archery competition. now that's good advice :) we were complete noobs next to them. but i guess we're only j1s and we'll train hard to get better! oh and surprisingly we still managed to win something. marcus got individual 4th for men's and team 3rd. and mingwei xiaoting lyn and i got ladies team 2nd. well done team raffles! xD

after that ken daryl jia hao aaron lyn and i went to tampines mall for dinner. already crazy/ hyperactive archers + post competition high + (dilute) alcohol high + sugar high = CHAOS.

all i can say is -- SAKE! SAKE!

(oh and thanks to daryl jia hao kim and jinglin for supporting us! esp jinglin poor girl)

came home and had to wash my shoes 3x in concentrated detergent. my socks are now a pale milo colour, and my shoes are quite gone. i only managed to get it from silverish brown to brownish silver. think i'll have to get a new pair :S

saturday marked the start of the hols. so i decided to begin well by slacking the day away: checking out the world cup season, arts fest season and great singapore sale season! hurray!

friday was the last day of school. no one was in a studying mood at all but we got DUMPED with a whole ton of notes + holiday homework + miscellaneous nonsense. boo. dumped my stuff in the back of my locker and consigned it to the back of my mind.

then off to the Institute of Mental Health with half the class for learning journey! was not bad. shocking how mentally ill patients were treated as worse than criminals, just because of their strange symptoms. they need help not condemnation! aud xt and i are interested in being psychiatrists/ neuroscientists/ neurosurgeons so yay. and we plan to do cip there. v. meaningful :)

after that, went for ac dance night with dylan. "restless III - the book of days" or some similar fancy title. got lost on the way to AC Barker YET AGAIN! i swear there's a bermuda triangle somewhere there that makes me lose all sense of direction. we took a bus in the right direction but expected to see ac on the same side whereas it was opposite, however there's like this canal thing separating the two directions and some thick foliage which becomes some bird sanctuary (seen many white herons there before) so obviously we couldn't tell that ac was opposite. missed by about two bus stops i think before we quickly realized and got off. and took a cab there. and proceeded to get lost again in the huge compound bahh.

dance proper was quite interesting. very different from rj dance night. they used videos and music to good effect, plus had strobe lights with various effects. i liked the alternating light/blackout that made it look like the dancers were in stop-motion animation. the whole thing was supposed to be some storyline in line with the theme "book of days" i think. the dances just melded into one another, non-stop without pause or narration. the music would fade then a new track would start. no idea how they had the energy for that since most of the dancers were in practically every piece. there was a whimsical-ish piece to "bad day" by daniel powter which was quite cute and rofl funny i thought. but cute.

[whine] talk about dancers being hot -- all of them were but two of them looked like models. o.O super chio. unfairness [/whine]

yup kudos to the dancers for the impressive conceptualization and execution. :) and dylan didn't even recognize eugene till the whole performance was over. LOL. okay so maybe guys look different with makeup on and some @#$% cough*colourful*cough costumes but not that different! i could recognize avelyn anyways ahaha. but couldn't find her after the dance.

[whine] why does ac barker have a BEAUTIFUL canteen that looks exactly like some high class food court with bar tops and tall chairs even and some beautifully landscaped secret garden and a lovely chapel and a high security boarding house with lovely aircon but not a single vending machine in the humongous compound for thirsty throats? [/whine]

thursday had no mood to study already with hols coming up in two days and the massive anticlimax of GP commons, so i skipped classes after lunch (math tutorial and chem lecture woots) to support badminton finals. being the ardent match support fan that i am ^^ so finally, it's "go raffles go raffles go raffles go, bring them down bring them down bring them down"! yup but with all my enthusiasm i can't really beat matthew who was really ONZ. looks so cute when he cheers without abandon.

so exciting! especially with char beside me getting tense and hyperactive and overexcited. and sophie being lame + fun as usual. crazy girls. <333! caught up with jules (whose at every match i go to) and serene too! jules can braid her own hair into a french braid.

(pause to let info sink in)
OMG.

this has to be like the olympics of hair styling! self-braided french braid? almost like one-handed self braid which serene suggested but is REALLY impossible if you have human hands haha.

back to match! was trying to figure out how badminton worked which wasn't made easier when the rjc/tjc signs were put the wrong way round. but but i have figured it out! haha. so there. rjc won (as usual so boring YAWNZ) but i couldn't stay for the final matches. rushed down from chinese gardens whoooooosh all the way back to bishan to watch X3 with eechong quan and kevin.

not bad but same comments as for M:I3 basically. stunts and effects were powerfullz but characterization and plot were lacking. where's my nightcrawler! *whines* how can they destroy the romance between iceman and rogue? *whines* who's this irritating shadowcat neways. how can rogue just give up her powers for HIM who's such a jerk? *whines* how come the most interesting new character is some dude with wings? *whines* i waited till the end of the credits just for some 3 second short shot which is cliche and deus ex machina and a desperate attempt to hold out for an X4 when X3 is patently the FINAL stand. i want bryan singer back :(

wednesday gp commons. everyone was queueing up to get foolscap like it was the end of the world. some nasty ploy to sell out all the rjc foolscap! :S i think i screwed up the paper. but it's OVER baby! yay! (btw feminism rules and patriarchy sucks so there so there.)

wow i only realized after daniel said it that i have indeed been going for almost all of the sports finals. of course i'm the ardent match supporter with the fiery rafflesian spirit burning within me (match = fire = burning bright) but also cuz i like the tension and emotional high. i'm like a dementor that way i guess.

have been going out almost everyday and therefore no time to blog about my interesting life (!!!) but sigh eat with your family day's not gonna happen anytime soon yeah.

it's really a word! i swear. dictionary.com says that it means "To impart new life, energy, or spirit to." that's sweet, man. haha okay highhh.

so i shall now attempt to revivify my blog :)

ode to friday

Shall I compare thee to a friday?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate...

friday was funday! being the end of the week and all. i truly TGIF. friday classes end at the awesomely amazing time of 1230hrs, even earlier than in sec school! the last half an hour is civics which is the perfect wind-down to the weekend. utterly slackededd. plus the class can have extended lunch together and fun and games if we feel like it. :) except for the poor chinese people! my heart goes out to adameliryantrees in alphabetical order. i can't tell you how happy i am that i finally got a blasted A2 for chinese. ^^

friday last was council invest! i always look forward to invests since i get to skip lessons. was ushering, so i got to wear the lovely RJ/RI tie which has nice solid blacks and a non-pukeish-looking green. i managed to kope it from my bro who finally found it somewhere in the deep recesses of his closet after managing to borrow several ties from the various helpful guys in my class. yayy i know i can count on them whenever i might need ties! or anything else i suppose. but for now the tie is MINE. all mine mwahahah.

got posted to the ulu-est part of the school, between RI and RJ (i.e. the construction site, how wonderful.) it wasn't bad though, since there was minimal traffic and got to talk to si min (sp?) who's fun to talk to! :) haha we were having fun laughing at the dudes from 3i who were human signposts, holding up a sign for all the cars when they could have just stuck some signboard there, and the gal who got posted to the Outback (i.e. the columbarium area behind the school where there is ZERO human traffic) and was dancing/swatting away mosquitoes on her legs, and trying to play my fave game of guess-the-school from the blazers + blazer fashion critique. ended quite early and trooped off to see invest.

which was not bad entertainment. the song-and-dance part is my fave but this time it's the guys who amuse me! haha eli and i were laughing at ______ who looked impossibly cute trying his best to dance. dancing guys = a laugh a minute. this made us hungry so we reconvened the cheng tng gang which is NOT an obiang name okayyy! don't like then don't eat. hmphs.

after school i went for b-ball match support. after a very close game during which the margins were only 4-5 points at max, we won 57-47! surged ahead only in the last quarter where we finally pwned them once and for all. in announcer's voice: it was indeed a nail-biting conclusion to an intense and well-fought game.

let's go let's go let's go beat them down beat them down beat them down

by the way, the atmosphere was ab fab and crackling with tension and excitement! everytime we equalized, jules and i would scream and hug each other. everytime they fouled, we would boo. everytime they shot penalties, we would laugh at yowie jeering them. super emotionally draining but satisfying.

rafflesians unite we'll show our might *screams*
we'll show them how rafflesians fight *screams*
if you're tired just do the screams.

went to watch M:I3 with tim. who knows why there's a colon? oh and IMF stands for Impossible Mission Force now, not International Monetary Fund (you bankers!) nor Inter-Molecular Forces (you geeks!) y0. warning: do not watch if your idea of a movie includes a 'plot'. only watch it if you like testosterone filled action e.g. BANG! WHAM! KABOOM! AHEEAHEEEOHHHHH... PEWWW BOOM. interspersed with frankly useless romantic scenes which are presumably just to keep the female audience fidgeting in their seats from trying to figure out where the elusive plot has gone. seriously, just enjoy the HUGE hollywood budget for explosions and stunts kay.

then i had to rushrushrush back to school for ShiftingGears, doublebillRPproduction! kinda tired to review, so just see grace's blog but know that i don't completely agree. sarah's aussie accent was good :) kalpie broke out of her teacher/mummy role and she rocked! noddy was insanely funny, and by insane, i MEAN insane. the subtitles were OMFG hilarious already, wish i could understand malay so i could understand all the innuendos that hyqel wyqel said were there. but then again, innuendos abound in everything hyqel wyqel sees! oh and props to bella too! "i took five years to make some decent friends and now i have to leave them?" i can totally relate. really. hahaha not that i have a million suitors like she does.

and happy birthday to myself too.

and yes like dave says how amazing is it that we're born in the same week. actually, two days apart.

we could be twins, if not for some 363 days. i remember the times that we pretended that we WERE twins. luke and leia of sorts. ohwells happy birthday to us, and cheers to growing up. losing innocence and maturing is so not fun... now we have to act all grown up and all. i feel like i'm in a charade where i have to act mature and stuff. i used to want to grow up really fast. when i was 3 and 4 and 5 and 6, i would ask my mum every birthday when i could be one year older. the fascination with growing up and being independent has faded fast. now i just can't wait to drive and earn money, but i expect i won't enjoy it as much when i do finally get it.

thanks everyone who wished me happy birthday whether early or late or just right. and everyone who has given me stuff so far :)

and anon2. who has made his/her return. ohwell this might sound stupid to everyone but i kind of miss anon2. created some excitement in my otherwise quite boring life haha. and in my otherwise rather dead tagboard. and i still can't figure out who you are, and i still would like to know, although i honestly give up trying.

sorry this blog is so boring, because the only times when i have time to blog are during boring periods. when my life is exciting then i won't have time to blog. therefore hence because. QED.

had lots to say about elections and stuff but i forgot already. anyway i've already discussed my political sentiments to death. and it's not too good to publish it online.

oh CHORALE CONCERT ROCKED. go aud, yi hui, and clar! <333

i think i might fail math. even with everyone's reassurances that it is ultra chao easy peasy lemon squeezy. i should really buck up >.<

sometimes you look at some people's lives and wonder how they can even claim to be christian. and i hope i never become like that, ever. every move we make is a testimony so why not make it a good one?

therefore between going for a rally and studying for math, i choose MATH! sounds like pokemon. math, i choose you! ... right. =.= haha anyway. You have not given me a spirit of timidity but of power love and SELF DISCIPLINE - i shall have to repeat that to myself constantly.

life is a day that doesn't last for long

nz natural was good. however, it's damn sad that it is the highlight of my week, and that i have ice cream to make me happy. like in "mean girls", girls who eat their feelings?! ugh. i'm utterly disgusted at them (myself) and absolutely despise them (myself).

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

class outing on may day! :) although the turnout was quite bad, we did have some fun. watched mean girls, AGAIN! it always seems to be picked during any gatherings, since it is without a doubt the single most bitchy and bimbo show that anyone can think of. i think some of the guys got quite traumatised by it. hahas.

after that, and i have no idea how this happened, the great gender divide occurred. the girls went to the bedroom to play dress up with zhiying's dresses while the guys stayed downstairs to talk politics (and toilets). ok don't give me that raised eyebrow incredulous look, it really happened! in this day and age, wow. and for the first time in my life, i tried on a tube top. had problems keeping it up though, which is why i don't wear these kinda things. as eli says, claratan will be so disappointed in us! :(

dying for math! will have to go and try and learn stuff. really need lots and lots of strength from the Lord to continue paying attention. learning's such a CHORE.

oh and in all future rugby matches, i will definitely be sure to watch out for john, jersey no.11, yes i've got it all up here in my head! i think he played when i was in the toilet >.< and it's really embarrassing not to know how the star player played or how the scores were. so next time i shall go and find out properly instead of giggling hysterically over "hookers" and losing my ability to speak over the talents of the REAL star. :)

haha i should really go mug.

by the way, anon2, i'm literally dying of curiosity trying to find out who you are, and i suppose you're not in my og, class or cca. do add me on msn, or try getting my number from somewhere cuz i would really like to get to know you :)

ooh my birthday's coming! 11th of may. haha this is not shameless advertising by the way. the shameless plugging i shall do will be for sing me to heaven (at least i think that's what it's called), chorale concert on that day! :) do support the choristers! (heh reminds me of les choristes. pure innocent beauty.)

and on a random note (or not): bgr may be a fact of life in JC but i think it seriously complicates life. think twice about it okay. is it really that important to you? ANSWER: NO. rhetorical question haha. but i shouldn't be the one answering for you should i.

it's getting hard to blame hedonists for what they do. happiness, after all, is what makes life, life. and like whatever goes for you, dude, whatever makes you happy. follow your bliss.

what nonsense am i spewing? it's late and i'm mood swingy again. this seems to happen more and more often. i swear i'll look back on my juvenilia and laugh, or perhaps shake my head in pity at my pitiful self. which hopefully will become my FORMER pitiful self.

but anyway. existential thoughts seem to be extra populous past eleven. maybe they thrive during the witching hour.

this is why i identify with spiderman and not superman. this is why i love x-men. tortured souls touched with greatness i say.

ooh the title is so unlike me. but i have just only cottoned on to the very GIRL concept of retail therapy! my mum and i went shoe shopping at j8 today, where i coincidentally met C__ and HER mum doing the same. for an instant our eyes met and there was a flash of recognition, but i couldn't exactly tell whether she recognized me or my rj uniform. and she's way more girly than me, ahaha. she was wearing some obiang shoes with flower print which i saw in bata. funny how i always looked up to her as a paragon of style, and now she's just average. ahh the pitfalls of idolizing a person.

anyway, my eyes alighted upon this most wondrous form of sandal (and it's really a sandal, like for walking on sand type!) from this funkeh red indian shop that i usually walk past, thinking that i am too un-hippie for it. but today i just walked in like it was meant for me. and i think it is! (haha i am CRUSHING my sandals now instead of miso soup and boys. heh.) ok so now i'm out of the cargo/ camou/ converse phase and going into the hippie/ boho/ hobo phase!

it's overused and over done.

why am i writing this in the middle of the night?

it was worth the wait to know. to know, to truly know. i committed my plans regarding council to God, and He said no. a most definite NO. such clarity :) therefore i am at peace, knowing that i am in His hands and that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me.

i realise that i'm different now... no more rewinding the tape of my memory and replaying the interview, analyzing every nuance of speech and action, probing, probing, to see exactly what went wrong, and where. no more angsting; crying out to the world WHYYY? WHY ME? WHY! no more tears, no more resentment (it's strange to feel nothing where there should be something.) instead, i have to convince people that yes, i'm ok with the decision, not sad, not broken, not shaken. (very good, they say. i wonder if it's simply relief that they don't have to comfort me or feel guilty that i wasn't good enough or feel awkward celebrating around me. BUT i know how that feels too.)

i sort of already knew how it would be. so i was prepared, i guess. still, i was shell-shocked for a moment, and joash, taking one look at my face, knew immediately and asked worriedly if i was ok. takes a few seconds for perception and reality to mesh in my brain, but now it's perfectly homogenized and absolutely miscible. [ok, laugh and call me a science nerd.]

Proverbs 16:1 "The preparations of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord."

thank You.

i guess what i mean is, friends are important and to whatever extent friendship does make the world go round - but why is our whole life built upon that? will we just die a slow death if we have not enough friends (or, God forbid, no friends)?

i should post this at dropping knowledge.

there are simple pleasures in life like eating berry yoghurt. or the satisfaction of completing your homework on time - which comes with the reward of good grades. i seem to have forgotten how to do that.

i had archery camp from monday to wednesday. comment is reserved for now, although i have a few words on the topic: tiring. confusing. weird.

like summer break is gone

i feel dizzy. homework presents itself as a flood before my eyes, my vision blurs and fades. i actually believed that i could have a holiday, even planned it out. (what boldness!) now, a gaping hole has appeared in the pool and water rushes down, down, down into the whirlpool of my sanity...

this is the dawning of the rest of our lives

It was a beautiful let down
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful let down
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do

In a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
I was trying so hard to fit in, fit in,
Until I found out
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But I don't belong

It was a beautiful let down
When you found me here
Yeah for once in a rare blue moon I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful let down
That's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free
We're still chasin our tails and the rising sun
And our dark water planet's
Still spinning in a race
Where no one wins and no one's one

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I'm gonna set sight and set sail for the kingdom come
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But i don't belong
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Kingdom come
Your kingdom come

Won't you let me down yeah
Let my foolish pride
Forever let me down

Easy living, not much like your name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Won't you please take me off your list
Easy living please come on and let me down

We are a beautiful let down,
Painfully uncool,
The church of the dropouts
The losers, the sinners, the failures and the fools
Oh what a beautiful let down
Are we salt in the wound
Let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Feels like I don't belong here
Let me down
Let me down
Feels like I'm let down
Let me down.
Cuz I don't belong here
Please
Won't you let me down?

things that amuse me and how much

Hyqel's rabbit pong: 4
The way he keeps showing everyone rabbit pong: 6
Look on Hyqel's friend's face upon seeing rabbit pong: 8
Abovementioned friend's request to see more rabbit pong: 10.5!
Aisha's sniffy nose: 2.5
Aisha's monkey look: 4
Aisha biting Gerald: 7
Gerald's hammie look: 2
Gerald: 7
HEE HAW:3
Sophie's insane laughter: 2
Sophie's monkey joke: 5
Sophie's lameness: 6
Sophie: 10
you are SERIOUSLY siao lar: 8.5
Matthias doing HEE HAW:4
and kicking cherylyuen in the process: 6
Matthias' laugh: 3
Matthias' fido dido look: 5
QQ's crazy laughter: 5
Darren carrying his green file: 5
Gerald carrying Darren's green file: 10!
Darren sleeping: 2
Gerald sleeping: 4
Darren and Gerald sleeping together: 10.
Juee joining them: 11
Imagining Hyqel's wedding: 4
Imagining Subash's wedding: 5.5
Imagining Matthias' wedding: 2.5
Imagining Gerald's wedding: 8.5

yayy that's all i can think of so far. 3N is <333.

raffles renaissance

the only thing that has reinspired my passion for learning so far, and therefore i really hope i get into it! selection test was a breeze for me, i just regurgitated all the anti-PAP + lack of freedom of expression opinions i had swirling inside of me. i'm secretly anti-party, don't tell anyone that i'm a rebel.

batchgive

yarright. i think it was quite super sairrh. ok don't ask me what that means. it's just a word i made up that means sian, and you're supposed to say it in a totally sianded way and it really brings out the whole emotion. unfortunately i have no idea how to spell it which means it'll never make it into the dictionary! honestly, call me and ask me to say it, because it's totally sairrh. no wonder qq and adam ponned. ponstars!~

our og only had one new member, cheryl who's from stnicks. poor her i think she felt quite lost and out of place? but it'll get better, surely. there were z'oscars. which looked last minutedly put together, and was quite lame. the winners were all quite unexpected, i thought. or maybe it's just me huh. yayy matthew won best something. go hermes!

we had z'breakfast, during which our og was totally happening due to matthew's wonderful yummydelicious porridge with dubious things floating inside! although i didn't quite care what exactly they were, it was just too yummydelicious. lucky els, she'll get yummy food everyday! without having to lift a finger. luckylucky! she's so lucky!

then after that it was the carnival. which was the kinda spastic self-service festivities that rjc likes. didn't manage to see the rock bands because they were so popular that the LT was squeezed to the max so they had to kick people out. which charles did in his usual perky squirrel way. haha compare to sadded turnout during ronin. it's not talent, it's who you know that matters i guess! so our og played captain's ball. i would have liked bball. but it's almost the same thing anyway. without the dribbles and the net. it was quite violent... i suppose. it's all relative right? and with guys, nothing can be very gentle i guess. well i love aggressive games really. fun to play + fun to watch. plus, chloe is equally or more aggressive than any guy. (ok that was quite random)

yayy today i managed a gym session with lynette, who taught me all the weights stuff that i missed last archery session. now i want to go every week and train my arm strength! how fun. i love the elliptical training machine that makes you feel like you're walking on the moon and lets you run without totally killing your knees! matt should try that. :) and the assisted pull up machine that's so superly easy that it'll have me doing real pull ups in no time! qingqing should do that! it's seriously very fun. you'll have to prevent me from killing myself though. because my bench presses totally sucks. :(

oh dear i sound like some poseur jock that goes to the gym all the time to build muscles. like those poser canoeists who lift (*#& heavy weights, slowwwly, in front of the mirror and admire their beautiful musculature.

loved a little less buckle-buckley

although they played to stereotypes, it still managed to be alternately comic and emo. they should have played it to the max but then again, full emotional range is hard to reach within such a short time. the actors came across naturally and were good, particularly the ah-ma who reminded me of the grandmother in 'the Kumars at no. 47'. the smart-aleck girl is all too familiar, but her truism caught me off guard: "Death is universal. Everyone dies, but not everyone lives." wow. it got a little cliched with the "mummy knows everything, mummy's always right" though. i not stupid ripoff! there was also a survivor ripoff, but that was tastefully done, the whole metaphor of the family as a tribe with a tug-of-war of emotions, lying, backstabbing, slacking... came through well. on the whole it still connected, but mainly because of the teen angst bits - teens hate parents interfering with their business, scolding them, cajoling them etc.

it starts with goodbye. hadley-hullet

a situational play with a myriad of characters. yes, the psychic was great for comic relief! but she was also good for emo bits. actually they were all nice and emo. even felix the cat! he's such a great actor for silly random spontaneous acts. i was a little bit put off that the character named "natalie" was a hooker/ slut/ prostitute/ all of the above. the cast was all good i.e. could carry of the emo bits, but sometimes it seemed rather random and disconnected. i liked the lift metaphor though: the ability to control where you're going is limited to up and down. you're still in an enclosed little box. but you can reach the roof.

worth going nowhere morrison-richardson

the winning play! the message, though cliched, is ultimately true: live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had. the plot was cliched but poignant - like a jack neo film. the stage theatrics were amazing though: the use of the black boxes which formed into the coffin, the red party ribbon for the stock index, the character's voices melding into one another at his eulogy, and best of all, the cynical, garishly- happy maid! (who should have won best actress IMO.) the music was relevant too, which is more than can be said for most. it would have been quite alright to stop at the "amazing grace" bit, but i felt the "somewhere over the rainbow" at the end gave more emotional closure and made the whole play just that little bit tighter. good use of lighting! it made me cry =)

dog on the roof bayley-waddle

voyeurism.
it’s innate in me. they said curiosity killed the cat. they might be right.
so I sit sniffling with a blue ballpoint pen-line on my knee, marking the spot where my school skirt hemline’s gonna be. (Too short, she said. Don’t bend over, now. No mum. it’s perfect.)
and I pore through the virtual lives of people that I barely know. how vain, I sniff, sniffling. and put them into tiny little boxes with neatly typewritten labels. this one, poser; that one, jock, mentally sifting through names and faces.

it’s easy – after all, I’ve only done it a million times before.
****

well done for getting through the Daily Dose of (g)Nat's Angst! you will now be rewarded with a full report of Drama Feste. :) sadly, there are no photos because my memory card has been koped by my aunt for her photography competition. i'm convinced photography talent runs in the family. :)

oh, and by the way, does anyone know why Drama Feste is Don't Cha? how or why exactly is it linked to such a slutty albeit veryvery catchy song by pcd (which is the epitomy of talent doesn't matter, sex sells anyway.) it isn't a very good, erm, connotation to be attached to drama feste yeah.

you're moor-tarbet

firstly i would like to say that there's not much in the way of character development that can be done in a ten minute plus play. also, not many audiences can take the arty/emo stuff. having said that, kudos to the mt cast and director for pulling off what would have been really difficult, really well. despite his apologies for his two unsynoptic-like synopses, chengchai live d up to his rep (which preceded him wayyy ahead haha.) the synopses encapsulate the heart of the play far better than any prose could.

i thought the cast gave strong performances... they had to, the script really stretched their emotional ranges. shu min was the consummate actress as always, she plays annoyance to perfection. i didn't exactly feel the gay guy though. (OOPS upon second reading, the previous line sounds questionable. but don't think dirty people!)and matthew! haha you liarrr. cheat my feelings! tell me that you have no lines so i thought you were a minor character. one out of four characters how to be minor? that's like 25% for your information you geek. haha. anyway. the body language and stuff has to be even more pronounced when you have no words to say, and he really made every look and inclination of head very poignant. (although i thought the use of mute character was very forced as an arty-farty device.)

anyway, it's the kind of art that doesn't pander to the tastes of the hoi polloi (gosh do i love that phrase - sounds very 1337) but is instead meant to make you think. and touch you in certain places (not physical don't think dirrrty.)

oh and applause to our darling tougay matthias and jeannifer for their behind-the-scenes work!

heh this is so belated but i love fridays. every friday i thank God it's friday. of course i should thank God every day of the week but fridays are particularly beautiful! plus the fact that i end at 12.30.

there were lots of problems and stuff about moe pre-u scholarship application but i solved them! ingenious hehh. oh well much love to mum who drove over with my birth cert and kaixiong who helped me developed the ultra freakin ex pics (6 for $9.60! killed my pocket.) i really hope i do get it because the $750 pa would really help with my archery expenses. but of course there are many other worthy and deserving people like sophie who need it more than i do.

had class lunch at yoshi which was alternately boring and amusing at various points. then we went to run errands, taking passport sized photos for sophie and getting a debit card at posb with charlene. yay i can get a debit card too! if you're above 16 you don't need a parent. i'm OLD. old and mature are sadly two different things. realized that i won't be able to drive till 21. well if things go as planned, i'll be off overseas and driving! as FF say, i want a car! i want a want a want a car!

went back to school and played frisbee with abs eli aunty and jingwei (not jingle bells.) yayy frisbee! it's quite fun even when i get whacked and i'm improving my psychomotor skills. one day i will become skillzded like abs!

talentime: the z'king and z'queen "song and dance" performances were basically intimate tangos which somehow implied that the couples in question were gonna make out immediately afterwards. the romantics were going aww. their friends were going whoo [insert name here] and catcalling. the people who crushed them were... crushed. and people like me were going UHHHH okay. ok. moortarbet won! at this point i should display some house spirit. but i frankly thought that hadleyhullet's jazz dance thingy was funkier (and also less AHEM). and sien isn't even from moortarbet. although matthew's breakdancing was good and leslie's pickup lines were moderately funny. alright.

open cat: i was like one of three votes for les choristes! and it's only because my best friend and my other friends were performing haha. i wouldn't vote if it weren't for cynthia. not that it wasn't good, it WAS good. it's just not a very talentime thing. talentime things are for hot acts which play hot songs! a guy with a good voice and good guitar playing will make girls swoon. case in point: kaiyang and the china guy. whom the indian and malay girls were swooning over more than the chinese girls! he does have a good voice and the whole boyband thing going on.

too lazy to type in paras and make links so random things:
1. serene playing with serene was... entertaining.
2. my archery senior's in her band! don't know his name but he runs well. ok that's such a random thing to say.
3. the twins and nelson look really cute dancing. you really shouldn't look serious when you dance. you should instead have the cheerleader look (see sien.)
4. max is good at singing yeah. she can go audition for sg idol. i recall what els and i were discussing about her *perfect* life. and then i think about what julia and i were discussing about her less than perfect life. and i have no idea what to think anymore.
5. but yeah adam's band was good. despite their technical problems which are captured fully in my pictures!
6. i never realized i was such a good photographer man.
7. and whoops the photos look vaguely stalker-ish. but well i'm not like some mad girl who went all crazy over him. right? right. *nods sagely*
8. absolut! was absolut-ly great! i never knew that anyone could actually reproduce the darkness to such perfection! i am in awe of such skillzded vocals. the solos are very 1337 too.
9. i love sophie juee vani etc.! such cool pals :) they rocked out with me! felt really on top of the world standing on top of the rj canteen table, crushing the fish&co ad and swaying to the beat, singing our hearts out and screaming for various people.
10. 50 first dates is sweet and amusing. mostly due to adam sandler. watched it with cynthia :) my best girlfriend.

i just thought, tian xia wu bu san zhi yan xi. even though we haven't really been separated (i'd be really sad if we do!), we ARE still kinda separated. don't you feel it? i feel the emotional distance. meeting in the corridors, saying hi, hugging each other, giving each other valentine's presents isn't enough. i wish we were both in guitar again and sharing every part of our lives together... singing worship songs, laughing over crazy things and discussing our topten lists again. i really don't want to lose you. it'll be such a pity after all we've been through together.

like manyun says, blogs tend to get emo because that's what they're there for yeah. to suck all the poison and drain all the excess emotion out of your body. reminds me of DPS.

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived.” -- Henry David Thoreau.

testify to love // avalon

All the colors of the rainbow
All the voices of the wind
Every dream that reaches out
That reaches out to find where love begins
Every word of every story
Every star in every sky
Every corner of creation lives to testify

(Chorus:)
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
With every breath I take
I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love

i thank You God for most this amazing day:

e.e. is my voice. :) all praise and glory goes to God for my A2. it's truly unbelievable since i have zero chinese background (my mum and dad can't even speak properly la.) i'm a chia kan tang kia, grew up eating potatoes. never learnt to use chopsticks properly till like primary four. people say i speak chinese like a malaysian. which is coolfunky y'know. i was panicking towards the end, the one month before D-Day when i finally started studying, but i thought one month of tuition wouldn't remedy it anyway. i was happily doing options! i loveloveloved my options. i think i chose well, because i did well in them too!

watched i not stupid too after results collection. kinda ironic because parts of it were about the rapidly declining standard of chinese in singapore and all these banana kids [in the dark i was going ME! that's ME!] well yes the reviews are right it's good, although cliched at parts (alright, several parts) it still made me tear. furiously. jack neo has captured the singaporean psyche! he has his finger firmly on the pulse of the heartland! and whatnot. yes it's an appeal to the hoi polloi thing but sowhat. on the other hand the reviewers are so wrong for blasting geisha! have they no artistic sense. senseless. utterly senseless.

just got back from yf. i wouldn't say it was horrible but darn near man. i don't understand how i can be okay when i read my bible and do my QT, okay when i pray with my group, okay when i go for sv in school, ok when i fellowship with my non-church christian friends, yet when i go to yf it's like (*#@#$& [i can't describe it] and basically everything starts getting screwed up. like argh what's it with me and church. it's like butter and cheese! the worst part of this is that i don't know how i can witness because i don't feel like i can bring people down to church. blah. so today was particularly bad because it was about relationships. it became partly a bitching session about who we couldn't get along with and partly a confessional where we confessed why we couldn't get along with certain peoples. it was kinda very painful for me to share something so simple. but i guess it really hurts because it cuts wayyy too close for comfort.

i'm leading a double life. or more. maybe xiaoting's right and i'm really schizo! there's happybouncycheerful nat. there's depressed stick-head-in-oven-nat. there's dao/mad nat (which you never wanna get near trust me on this one.) and there's another one, this girl who's totally lost and doesn't belong here... just doesn't belong. she doesn't know whatwhyhow the world is like that and she doesn't like it because it's so full of pain and suffering and torture even if she isn't the one being tortured. SO. it's like a handphone with different profiles. the worst thing it's that it switches automatically and who knows how.

reflector // planetshakers

since i found your love
i've never needed anything to fill my heart
even when i fall
you're always there with open arms to pick me up

from the start i knew
no one else could make me feel the way you do
everyday i want to grow
just a little bit closer
just a little bit closer

i wanna be your reflector
i wanna shine with your glory
i wanna let the whole world know that you live in me
i wanna burn with your fire
shine my light a little brighter
i wanna let the whole world know that Jesus
LIVES IN ME!

haha abs, trees and i were singing it nonstop this entire day. :) it's nice to have christian friends. i find myself in much better company nowadays. it's really true that it's easier for someone to pull you down than to bring someone up. so yup i really thank God for you people! (and my other funky classmates too.)

chinese o results tomorrow! wish me luck people.

was just blogsurfing again. remind me to never ever do. i'm a voyeur and i enjoy peering through cyberspace into people's hearts and wading through their souls, exposed for the world (WWW) to see. even though i'll get emotionally screwed up. i was just pondering why and i realised that maybe when people give all their emotions over to what they're writing, it requires an equal emotional contribution to read it. which is the same explanation for why one feels emotionally drained, carthartically elevated or whatever after having read a particularly powerful poem.

to me, a blog is like a spotlight on your soul. the light falls, striking the object, illuminating it.. and suddenly you see what you've never saw before, even though you thought you knew every colour, surface and texture of the object, inside out, outside in. at first glance you're shocked -- what's this new thing? how come i've never noticed it? then you slowly take it in, and the wonder grows, and you get sucked into it, examining each awesome part slowly...

i don't know who i am man. it's like sometimes i look at myself and i'm utterly disgusted. i wouldn't even be my own friend. how can God love me? how can anyone love me? it's like totally a miracle that i even have friends. bother. and even being the great imitator that i am, i can't even choose the right role models to imitate. instead i have to hang with all the negative demonstration people. sorry this is not an insult to my friends.. it's just that sometimes i pick up the bad and not the good.

i shall make a list of good qualities to imitate and learn from them! yesyes. ok.
1. perseverance! from grace
2. complete and utter guai-ness (which, upon deeper analysis, is actually the quality of obedience. very important.) from joash
3. honesty (to the point of bluntness or whatever. beats lies and deception) from suat
4. time management. ok this isn't really a quality. the quality is actually self-discipline. from like all the councillors and all the pro people you see everywhere in the school doing everything. oh from serene.
5. self-confidence. took me ages to realize this but this is directly proportional to how friendly you are percieved to be. how outgoing you are. which is therefore a good quality to have, plus it does wonders for your psychological state of being (mine needs severe reparation work) and Happiness quotient. from julia, lynette, hamsie... most people seem to have this except me. bahh. this is as close to the elusive x-factor as i can find. you know, the x-factor that makes a difference between one person's so-so boring predictable dull life and another's.

of course there is also the most important: godliness. this is very hard to measure but anyway my yardstick is jesus. :)

ok sorry for this weird pms-ish article. i feel the mood swings coming back on. will someone please sms me! or call me! it's like once i change to my new number no one calls or smses anymore. which kind of defeats the purpose of getting a new plan.

does anyone want to watch north country, fearless, walk the line or i not stupid too with me? and is anyone interested in the short film festival at substation ? i wanna go for opening night. but any night would do really.

anyway. cny celebrations, friday 28 jan. this is so outdated right.

our class went to support hyqel and his band and ended up hanging out there the whole time. it was quite fun although most of the bands sucked (not hyqel's though, and i'm not just saying that). there was UM some eye candy around too! one for xiaoting, one for sophie, one for eli, and one for sophie and me. but sophie and i are very cooperative people so we shared. :) oops now matt's camera (which i koped) is full of stalker pics. i think he might have deleted them.

class lunch was weird because we played zhong ji mi ma + shoot shag marry. kristel ended up marrying chee chin who she doesn't know and has never seen, for that very reason. haha i think she is regretting it now that we know the story of the PONG arh. courtesy of gerald... king of the PONG. the rest of it wasn't very notable or mentionable (the shagging bits) except that i had to sorta comfort eli once.

archery tryout was really fast and now i'm in! i don't even know how or why but i just thank God for it. that whole day after i found out i was really high. and have been ever since.

og dinner at fish n co was very.. eventful! matt is really funny, like when he's laughing and he gets water up his nose and he starts vibrating like mad. and we got the opportunity to witness the first flowerings of love over a hot chocolate fudge cake! it was so sweet, literally and figuratively. seriously they are so cute together. and there were so many foreshadowing signs, like the LOVE sculpture outside the glass house, where they were literally IN love, and the "sea of love" t-shirt that the fish n co staff were wearing.

and now i'm getting pwned by chem. my life rocks. don't you want to be me? come on now all of you who want to be in rjc. let me swop with you my dears who have a predilection to mugging your brains out and blowing your synapses. luckily lit is keeping me sane. and my godawfully weird (but fun) class. OPPS shall not swear.

went for the R(A) mag thing. i think i might join, but archery will clash. thing is i don't know if i'm gonna get into archery. archery clashes with wushu trials. and there are fencing trials at another date. this whole cca thing is so confusing. maybe i'll end up cca-less in the end. how sad. right now i would ideally like to be in archery and R(A), but it can't be. oh well. logic tells me that i should get a tues/thurs cca to take full advantage of my wed/fri short days, but i do want archery. perhaps i should go for wushu/R(A) instead. or fencing/R(A). and that's only if i get selected. bother.

my first thought was, this would be a great topic to write an RA article on. it's deep. death and stuff, you know? the train of thought went a really long way. my second thought was, are we still celebrating CNY? my third thought was, is it true that the fingernails and toenails keep growing even after death?

somebody slap me please.

anyway, the above is not strictly true. this is as true as it can get:

in the night as i slept, i heard the phone ringing and drifted in and out of consciousness. i heard my mum saying the words 'heart attack' and 'i'll be right over'. i knew i should have panicked right then but it simply wasn't possible to in that dreamlike state. i went back to sleep hoping against all hope that it was just that, a dream, no matter how real it seemed.

waking up is not unlike a traumatic birth where your senses get thrown headlong into the real world, and i woke up to the irrevocable reality of a grandfather that was no longer there. i tried to cry but no tears came. i only felt a numbness... if it's even possible to feel numbness. possibly it was nothing. i didn't know what to feel, and i still don't. what do people do? cry their hearts out? pray for his soul? he's saved, thank God for that. so that's immensely comforting. so i thought of mum and my aunts and uncles, how they might be feeling. i imagined dad dying while he stood before me, spreading jam on his bread - and i knew. for them, however, it was real. REAL. unchangeable. irrevocable. the end. i thought of my grandmother and how she might feel without her other half. about being left in the world. how it's not her fault that females have longer lifespans. how she might be counting down her days, how she might feel with a sharp pang of realization that her aches and hurts and bad eyesight are foreboding signs of the end. that it's only a matter of time, before the same happens to her. i thought of my other grandfather, who lost his wife when my dad was only a teenager. how this might refresh the pain of his loss, which might have been soothed by time but never really faded. he might sympathize and feel our loss, one strong and vivid, and the other a mere echo of the deeper hurt.

so yesterday everyone turned up except the prc boarders (they weren't informed, or something) and our darling ogl klar, who's sickkk the poor girl. get well soon okay? matthew (as in matthew & michelle) cooked us all this yummylicious chicken mushroom soup! thanks matt! :) he really made me get to know my kitchen better. now i know where my oyster sauce is kept ahahha.

we split into a downstairs and upstairs group. nelson and some guys made an arduous trek back to his house at coniston to retrieve his board games so downstairs played risk. i heard that ben chen got pwned cuz everyone ganged up against him. tsktsk. upstairs broke out the mahjong set, with leon khee, wei lip, kai xiong and yours truly making the four winds. hanis was leon khee's pair of arms since he dislocated his shoulder in some darn pro way, so much so that even hodge knows about it. we ended up teaching els, elaine, hanis and crunch who became the tu2 di4s